I’m terribly sorry, BP
As I look back upon the past 11 months, I realize that I have a lot to be sorry for.
I was completely absorbed by how this oil spill was going to affect the coastal residents (both human and wildlife/animal) and future generations.
I humbly beg your forgiveness for the following faux pas:
1. Little did I realize that lying down on the oily beach would save me a lot of time applying sunscreen and/or tanning oil. It also saved me a lot of money. No need to buy Coppertone anymore when you can get “BPTone” for free!
2. Another time-saving result of this little “oopsie” — let’s not call it the biggest man-made ecological disaster of all time — that is too wordy. ”Oopsie” just about says it all! Now, all my seafood comes pre-oiled and already marinated in that wonderful Corexit compound. More savings here…I don’t have to spray my pans anymore with “PAM”, and Corexit adds just the right amount of flavor to otherwise drab seafood. How could I not appreciate that?
3. I’m sorry that I have this problem with the tendons in both hands that make my middle fingers fly up when I pass one of your gas stations. I’m really sorry…not only do I have this problem, but the insurance to surgically correct this condition is so expensive, I cannot afford it. I guess it’s something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
As I close this letter, dearest BP, I hope that you can see it in your heart to forgive me.
Obviously, emotions got the better of me. I will not let it happen again.
Humbly submitted —